I love my shitty job. I love to talk about food, I love to talk about booze, and I love meeting new people. When you sit in my section, I like to think of you as, not only a guest to the establishment, but also, my own personal guest. So here are some ways you can help me help you have a better dining experience.
1. Please don’t interrupt when I’m introducing myself. I want you to know my name because then when you need something, you can treat me like the human I am and call me Suzee. A name I’ve always had and like, not miss or hey you something anyone could answer to.
2. Read your menu first. Text Kimmy about your plans tomorrow, after you order.
3. Please READ YOUR MENU. Do not ask me, “do you have a burger?” First, we are at an Italian restaurant so, no. Second, did you read the menu? Do not ask me “What’s in this burger?” First, the ingredients are written right there next to the name of it. Second, did you read the menu? Do you see how much time this is taking? If you would like to/ know about our specials, please DO ask about that.
4. Please don’t carry on your conversation while I am telling the table about specials. I already know all of this stuff, you’re the one who doesn’t. If you don’t want to know, tell me you already know what you want. It will save ALL of us a lot of time.
5.Please understand that unless this is fine dining, “prepare it however the chef suggests” is not a thing…I press a button in a system. I like my burgers medium rare, maybe you don’t, so I’m going to press the medium rare button. Please, just tell me what you want.
6. If you’d like water, just ask. California is in a severe drought, and the amount of water I have had to dump is deplorable. I’m not just going to bring you water automatically.
7. If I tell you there is a specific way we do things, please understand that it’s not MY policy. It is the policy my employers set into place before I even worked here (you know, the people who give me a paycheck every two weeks). I can’t change the rules for you, especially if we are busy. Further, it’s probably a policy because it gets you better service. And no, I can’t change the music for you and girlfriend of the week so you look powerful. Douche.
8.Please tell me that something is wrong when it’s wrong. Don’t tell me you hated your burrito after you have consumed two thirds of it, and everyone else at your table is finished. If you had told me the two times before when I checked in and said, “How is everything tasting?” I could have helped you pick something else out, rang that in, tell a manager, and then they would come over to talk to you and probably give you free dessert later.
9. Don’t call me to your table with anything other than a “Excuse me miss” or an “excuse me Suzee.” Specifically, no snapping or “ka-kawing.” This is not charming, and it will most certainly not result in you receiving my number later.
10. When paying, please pay attention, and do your math properly (when I dine out I use a tip calculator to help me. https://appsto.re/us/0HkVF). Otherwise, we have to play a guessing game as to which number you actually meant to write. Sometimes we lose money. It sucks. Also, when paying and splitting bills up, which is fine, honestly, but pay attention to these rules: 1. If some of you pay in cash and some on card, that’s fine, but DON’T calculate for tip in your totals, pay tip after. The reason is that if I take the cash out first and that cash includes tip, then everyone paying on credit must double tip. Because the people paying with cash tips are being used to make the people paying with credit, tip less. So essentially, their tip to me is making your meal less. So, you gotta pay me my tip back. 2. Please know that unless you are apart of an event, it is illegal for us to add gratuity, so we didn’t. 3. Please sign and pile all of the merchant copy receipts in one place, or even just hand them to me before you leave!
11. Please, please, please always leave a signed copy of your payment slip and/or cash somewhere visible! If you take it home, we (don’t forget: I, more than likely, tip out the bussers, the host, and the bar) don’t get a tip.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. Paying attention to details like these make my job so much better and easier and, hopefully, I, in turn, give better service to you!
**** Also, if you tip less than 15% you’re an ass****
(Jerimiah Hu and me, Valentine’s day 2014)
(Thank you Elise Hartman for editing this post!)